


Existentialism

by StarTravel



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Episode: s03e18 Distant Voices, Existential Angst, Identity Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, though this is not as dark as the tags make it sound I don’t think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-28 04:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18748618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Julian Bashir is 15 the first time he questions his right to exist. He’s not sure he ever stops.





	Existentialism

**Author's Note:**

> Please take heed of the warnings, especially if the content could be triggering for you!

Julian Bashir is 15 years old the first time he contemplates ending his own life. It’s hard not to, when he finds out he shouldn’t exist and the only reason he does is because of the murder of a 6 year old boy.

 It shakes him to his core, makes his bones ache and his heart feel like it might rip through his skin at any second. Everything about his life has been a lie. He’s never been brilliant or talented or _good._ Every award he’s won, every competition, every tennis match. they’re all just him stealing the spot from a more deserving child who actually worked for their abilities, instead of having them spliced into their DNA.

  Julian can calculate how to do it, understand the science. I Though that’s not taking into account how his enhancements might change his rate of healing. He’d have to do the math for that first.

 Luckily math’s never taken him very long.

 Julian’s halfway through another set of calculations when he sees Kukalaka across the room. It’s a silly thing - _Jules’_ thing - but he finds himself sliding to his feet anyway. Julian picks up the bear carefully, holding it at a distance as he stares into its black button eyes. “Could you tell that I was a fake all these years? I’m sure you could.”

 The bear, of course, does not answer and Julian digs his fingers deeper into the soft fur along his arms. “Have you resented me as much as my mother has all these years? More because it wasn’t your decision? Less because it isn’t your sin to bear?”

Julian bites his lip and shakes his head, trying to swallow down a truly manic laugh. Here he is, supposedly perfect in every way, and he’s sitting in his room talking to a stuffed bear. A bear who belonged to an imperfect boy who never got to grow up, whose body he’s invaded.

 But then …

 “Is it a waste, if I do something like that?” Julian asks Kukalaka, who stares back at him without judgment. Julian closes his eyes and lets out a few breaths, less rushed and painful than they’d been a few seconds ago. He needs to _think,_ not to _feel._

“If I live, I could dedicate myself to making it worthwhile, to helping people and setting right what’s wrong, even if I can’t change what’s wrong with _me_.” Julian’s voice is high and his words trip over each other. He pulls Kukalaka closer to his chest and wonders if he’ll have to switch schools tomorrow. He’s never had many friends anyway.

 “I can’t bring Jules back - I’m sorry, but I _can’t,_ but I can be good. I can make his death worth something. Isn’t that enough?” Julian asks Kukalaka, before pulling the bear to his chest. Julian can feel the tears streaming down his cheeks and onto Kukalaka.

 Julian is a liar. he’s sure he could find a way to have his enhancements removed, to bring back the ghost of Jules Bashir. But he doesn’t want to, is too afraid to do what he suspects might be right.

  Julian doesn’t want to die. Not yet.

 ******

 Julian is 30 the next time he truly considers if he has a right to exist, trapped by a Lethean in his own mind. It’s torture, faced with every crime he’s just barely able to mask as a failure.

 No one would call Julian introspective or emotionally smart, but how could he be, when he has to keep up so many different aspects of the same lie everyday?

 Julian was afraid to become a professional tennis player because it would disappoint his father and he might not be good enough, _not_ because it would be cheating. Julian was second in his class because of his nerves and a fear of success, _not_ because being first isn’t something he can allow himself even now. His flirtation with Jadzia going nowhere did hurt and … well he supposes that one is true, just not _why_ he flirted the way he did.

 He couldn’t let Jadzia get close after all. Not truly. He couldn’t let anyone in at all.

“Because that's what you want me to do. You may be inside my head, but you don't know me half as well as you think you do.” Julian speaks with a confidence he doesn’t feel, hands shaking a bit as his voice rises. Another part of the act, another way to keep the Lethean from learning anything else, anything Julian can’t let him know. “Take Dax. I do have feelings for her, but the important thing is she's my friend. You know? Friend? And I wouldn't exchange that friendship for anything.”

 It’s not a lie. Julian loves Jadzia but he’s not in love with her, grey scales and a far too knowing smile flashing across his mind almost involuntarily. Another thing he shouldn’t let himself have. He’s always been too selfish.

 “As far as my career is concerned, I may have been a good tennis player, but I'm a great doctor.” But should he be, when there were so many other students at Starfleet who clawed their way up the ranks, spent _years_ studying concepts that took him mere minutes? A life spent geating praise and accolades that he enjoys precisely until the moment he remembers they shouldn’t be his in the first place.

 They should be Jules’.

 “Maybe I could've been first in my class, but it wouldn't have changed anything in my life. I still would've chosen this assignment. This is where I belong.” Julian sounds so much more aassured than he feels, a strange disconnect between his voice and the racing thoughts trapped in the most inner part of his mind, where the Lethean can’t quite reach. This isn’t where he belongs. Julian doesn’t belong anywhere. He should go, he should - he needs to wake up. 

 “Computer, activate quarantine field three J.”

 *****

 Julian lies across Garak’s chest that night, one hand languidly sliding down his chest as he calculates how much longer he should stay before he gets dressed. He’s not ready yet, his cavalier mask of indifferent youth nowhere near his face.

 And Julian needs it, because Garak will wake up the moment he moves an inch, years of training making him too aware not to. Garak is the product of hard work and natural brilliance, everything about him hard won and perfected in a way the scientists on Adigeon Prime never quite managed with Julian.

 Garak is everything Julian isn’t, can’t be, because Julian will never know what it’s like to become anything. He’s always been - and never should have been - exactly what he is.

 Julian presses his mouth against Garak’s ear and listens to the even sound of his breaths for a few minutes. He wonders that he’s here at all.

 “You said I survived because I was strong.” Julian’s voice is barely a whisper, the words dissipating the moment they hit the air. Julian shivers and closes his eyes and decides not to care if Garak can hear him or not. “It’s because I’m a coward. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to live or not. Well I do, I know I do, but I shouldn’t _be_ at all, and ...”

 Julian trails off as his voice starts to rise, a familiar manic quality seeping in to each word. These are conversations meant for Kukalaka and his empty eyes, not for Garak and his gazes that see far too much as it is.

 Julian has no idea if Garak heard him. He doesn’t make any move until he tries to leave, one hand softly wrapping around his wrist.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and questions are loved!
> 
> Please let me know if you think anything else should be tagged.


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